Little deep breaths...

I'm a *little* stressed.

Pssst.

I'm drunk.
And still at school.
And blogging.
I just went pee.
New boy is waiting for me.
We kissed.
He he he he he he ha ha ha ha...
Okay, more later.....
Mwah!!!!

Pssssst.

I met a boy.

I think I really like him.

I love this feeling.

The games we play

Adam pulled me off the bench by my legs. My back hit the floor with a loud thud. My head narrowly missed the edge of the bench, but swung back down cracking against the floor. He pinned me to the ground with his right knee on my chest making it dificult for me to breathe. I told him to get the fuck off of me, but he just pinned me there, adding more pressure when I tried to move. I was furious and scared. But mostly furious. I couldn't move. My physical inferiority to this teenage boy devastatingly apparent. I can't remember if he said anything while he held me there, but I do remember the fear in my friend's eyes as she pleaded for him to let me go. He didn't let me go until the school janitor told him to stop. I stood up and sat back down on the bench and told Adam never touch ever again while holding back tears. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. My back hurt for a week.

Adam had always been violent. He liked to push girls up against the wall and whisper profane things in their ears while digging his dick into their backs. Funny how in high school behaviour like that was tolerated. Funny how we didn't tell anyone about it. Funny how we thought it wouldn't make a difference anyways. Funny how we excused his behaviour just because he was a boy. Boys are supposed to hurt girls, right?

I lost my virginity to Adam. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Yeah, me, the straight-A-student, member of the student council, Valedictorian of my graduating class, starting player on the high school soccer team, let Adam, drug dealer/addict, "player", high school drop-out "de-flower" her.

You see, Adam and I always had this "thing", ever since elementary school. He was the bad boy and I was the good girl.

*unfinished post*

You're so vain...

This weekend my mom told me that I had an "inflated ego".
Hm.
If she only knew!
She said this after I pointed out this really hot guy checking me out at the restaurant last night. But when I asked her if she noticed it too, she reluctantly agreed.
"Inflated Ego"? I think not...no one can resist my charms...for real, no one.
So don't even try.

My Left Breast.

phantom
Originally uploaded by jezebelle1.

This is a mirror image of my left breast. When I was 18, I had a lump about the size of a quarter removed from it. It wasn't cancer (they called it something with a weird Latin name) and the scar is faded now (I notice it because I know where it is). I still have the two dozen white roses my best friend brought me when I told her that I was going to have the surgery (they're dried and in a vase near my bed). She cried when she handed them to me...I wasn't scared until then. I used to hate my breasts, but now I can't get enough of them. I'm usually the one to take off my bra (no help needed).

I'm fully naked in this picture...

curly
Originally uploaded by jezebelle1.

but you only get my shoulder.

Randomness

* cutting my daily caloric consumption in half makes me grumpy. And drinking 8 glasses of water a day makes me have to pee a lot.
** my anthro 407 class is going to kill me, either through the analysis of questionnaires, transcription of interviews, coding, and thematic analysis, or the amount of money I've had to dish out for it this semester already (just spent $75 on voice recording device for upcoming interviews).
*** when a homeless guy, who was talking to himself, walked past me last night, a little droplet of his spit landed on my lower lip. I immediately went home to look up what I most definitely contracted. Very "home-ist" I know, and quite silly considering I've exchanged spit with complete strangers...on numerous occasions.
**** saw a sign that read: "Brazilian Wax $25" in the window of a nearby salon and for a second wished I had a reason to get one....and then thought "ouch".
*****my parents are coming to visit for the long weekend. I probably should delete the naked pics from my hard drive.
******I'm typing this with no pants on...justsoyouknow.

Do you like me? Yes/No/Maybe

Two years ago I gave an engineering student some really good head. However, the dude apparently had no desire to reciprocate, other than offering his dick in my pussy, which at the time was out of the question for me. Needless to say, after the fifth mind blowing blow-job with no return, I wiped my tits clean of his cum and vowed never to suck his stupid, unappreciative cock ever again. However, he never got over my oral expertise and continued to call me hoping for another chance up until a couple of months ago. I won't lie, I'm still attracted to this guy, but if I didn't make it already apparent, the dude's a total pervert-creep. He used to call me at midnight on Friday night, drunk and horny, reminding me of what a skanky ho I used to be..do you remember the time when you tied me to the bed and sucked my cock? Do you remember when you let me video tape you sucking my cock? Why did you delete it? Remember me cumming all over your tits Jez? I miss you baby. As if I didn't know that he was saying all this shit in front of his equally lame fratishy guy friends. Smooth asshole. Smooth. Anyways, I guess he finally got the point because today he tried to set me up with his roommate who apparently "likes" me. Okay, first of all we're not in junior high anymore boys and second of all, when did this guy start thinking that he could pimp me out? Oh and thirdly, I don't even know this friend, but from what I've seen, he's not my type.....very a la Big Moose from the Archie comic. I'm not that desperate...yet.

Ohhh....I get it now.

Devil
Originally uploaded by jezebelle1.

Who knew eating stuff like this would make me fat? Huh...Well, I guess this love affair couldn't last forever...good-bye my sweet chocolate mousse...you've been so good to me, but alas, I must say good-bye. Farewell. Adios. Ciao. Au revoir...okay, have a good life. I'll miss you always!!

Muther fucker!!! When did this happen????

So, I can't sleep because I drank some coffee before my night class four hours ago and it still hasn't left my system. Anyhoo, so a couple of days ago I weighed myself and was happy to find out that I had not gained any weight since the summer, however, I have gained about 10 lbs since my days in high school (a fact which I have been denying for a couple of years now). So just now, I went and checked to see what my healthy body weight should be and it appears that I'm at an "unhealthy body weight".

Holy shit!!!
I'm a FATTY!!!!
What the fuck?!!
When did this happen?
No seriously.
I'm fat.
F.... A.... T....
Faaaaaaaaat!!!!!

Oh, and please spare me the "no Jez, you're perfect" bull-shit because the numbers don't lie people and that's so not why I'm writing this. Apparently, I need to lose about 15 lbs to be at a healthy body weight, which I figure I can do in 8 weeks if I lose about 2 lbs per week. I so don't have time for this, but I can't go on being fat one more second..hmm..maybe I'll go for a run..

Done.

Finished. Finito!!!

Hurrah!

It's 100% B.S. but it's done!!!

Holy shit. Must stop neurotic checking of blog and other blogs and finish assignment due first thing tomorrow. Must also stop checking email and fiddling with the enhance option for all pictures currently on hard drive. Ooh. But also must clear space in hard drive for new pictures.

Wrists still hurt, but not worse than before. Good sign. Last time was medicated with tylenol and Advil by 5:30. Thinking that perhaps a self inflicted injury caused by too much Jezebelle "alone time" ifyouknowwhatimean.

Will now post this and then close window and immerse self in assignment on cultural rituals. Have chosen to describe and analyse a trip to the hair salon as a Western cultural ritual. Has started wonderfully, but not sure if able to back up as ritual concept. Will try hard.

Ah! That reminds me. Need hair cut ASAP. Rather wild and unruly as of late. Actually quite despise getting hair cut. Usually leave with frizzy mass of hair on top of head. Followed by emotional hair attachment breakdown. Already a bit down though. Might as well postpone until the Christmas holidays. What's a few more inches?

Okay then. Last post in crazy attempt to procrastinate down to the last possible minute.

Spare me the emotional fuckwittage...please.

Spent morning finishing Bridget Jones's Dairy which would explain why I'm now writing in Bridget style. I've watched both movies many times and just last night decided to read the book as just finished reading last work of fiction left in my personal library. It was just sitting on the coffee table for days, so snatched it up and resolved to read it and return it to coffee table by next morning...which I did.

As single woman who's had her own share of fuckwit boyfriends, I LOVED it.

Bridget Jones is genius and have decided to ignore all emotional fuckwittage thrown my way by various men coming in and out my life.

Like just this morning.

Received instant message from boy who recently told me he "loved me", then royally fucked up when agreed to meet and did not answer phone until too late and I was getting ready for bed. Just this morning messages me that he can't stop thinking about me. That I'm the only girl that he thinks about having sex with constantly, also confessing desire to fuck me and eat me.

To which I responded: Perhaps you should have thought about this more before I shaved my legs and my pussy and waited two hours for you to answer your phone. I suspect you only want to "fuck me" and "eat me" because I have not let you do that yet. And by the way, fucking and eating has nothing to do with "love". Good bye.

Hah!

Take that!

He he he.... all the fuckwits in my life will have to put up with my new Bridget attidute until I start reading another book.

Have also decided that my next boyfriend must be just like Mark Darcy. Yum!

Sore Wrists.

The last time I woke up in the middle of the night with sore wrists these are the events that followed:

Throughout work day pain increased and took many trips to the ladies to run wrists under hot water. Was a trooper and decided that could tolerate pain until end of work day.

4:00 P.M. Spent 5 minutes psyching myself up to turn the key in the ignition of my car. Cried in pain. Spent another five minutes psyching myself up to put car in reverse. Cried again in pain.

4:10: Before entering home, sat in car trying to pull self together as I did not want to scare mom who was already worried about my health as just gotten over month of bed ridden case of mono.

4:15: Asked mom for assistance in getting my work clothes off so that could go to medical clinic in preferred comfy sweatpants.

4:30: Tried to calm down mom while sitting in the waiting room at medical clinic. Seemed my knuckles were swelling up then also.

4:45: Cried out in pain as doctor moved wrists up and down. Knees started to throb as well. Also told him about weird broken blood vessels all over legs and chest and two day nosebleed.

5:00: Forced by paramedic at hospital to use wheelchair as by now pain in knees unbearable.

5:15: Blood tests done.

5:45: Back home with heating pads all over body. Urgent phone call from doctor with lab results back. Blood is collecting in all joints as no (literally none at all) blood platelets to clot it. Explains broken blood vessels and two day nose bleed. Must immediately start steroid treament and daily blood test monitoring. Must not shave legs, brush teeth as may cause massive bleeding and trip to emergency. Expect bloody urine and feces and extremely heavy period. Yay!

6:00: Tried to eat food, but jaw hurt too much. Unable to wash face either.

My mom stayed up all night with me, as I tossed in and out of feverish consciousness, because apparently I looked like death and she feared I would pass away in the middle of the night.

I spent another week off work with lovely track marks up both arms. Had a scary trip to emergency and had to tell at least 5 different doctors what was going, as apparently they had no idea what was wrong with me.

Needless to say, I'm a little worried. The pain and swelling increased gradually throughout the day and started just like it is now..a dull, but tolerable pain in my wrists. Hm...would not be good for school right now. Hoping simply due to increased typing of assignments and papers and blogging.


Will just continue day like nothing wrong and freak out later if pain gets worse.

A change.

I just needed one.

I also hid my previous entries...I'm paranoid. Always have been.
Can't have nobody learning about my Jez identity.

P.S. Mitzzee...I miiiiiss yoooou and the ooh la la!!

Dirt Kid.

I probably should have a shower today, but I don't really wanna. I wonder what my roommates think, me still in my pj's walking around with my hair in the same french braid I wore yesterday. Ugh. I'm a dirt kid, don't ask me when my last shower was...ha ha ha...seriously don't. I've spent the whole day trying to finish this stupid paper on terrorism, suicide bombing and global power relations. Oh and it can't be more than one page. One fucking page!!! We're supposed to use all of the readings for this section (by 4 different authors), cover the themes, and provide our own insights....in one fucking page, double spaced. I've already done one of these for the first section and totally rocked it, but come on..I spent an entire fucking day on this and all I have to show for it is one fucking page...I had a similar experience in one of my English courses, the limit was two pages and I swear to God I spent more time on those short fuckers than any of my term papers. Page limits suck. Real hard.

That is all.

P.S. I hate school. It's ruining my life!!! I mean, what life? I don't have one!! Why do I need this damn edumacation anyways?

1 year anniversary

I'm the slut who said no,
but wanted it real bad, you know.

I'm the slut who said no,
but didn't leave when he forced me down the first time.

I'm the slut who said no,
but my silence and tears said I surely wanted more.

I'm the slut who said no,
but closed my eyes and silently screamed for him to stop.

I'm the slut who said no,
and cringed when he told me how tight I was.

I'm the slut who said no,
but whispered the words he wanted me to say.

I'm the slut who said no,
whose name he's surely forgotten by now.

I'm the slut who said no,
who wishes she had screamed it just one more time.

One year later.

It's been a year since Greg took my scared silence for sexual consent.
A year since a lay perfectly still and tried to concentrate on anything else but the feeling of his skinny hard dick penetrating me and the screaming in my head.
A year since he ignored the tears in my eyes when he drove me home that night.
A year since I felt numb for a week.
A year since I had that 3o minute shower and sobbed silently so my roommates wouldn't hear me.

I don't tell many people this story because the first time I did, a girl I hardly knew told me it was my fault. What did I expect? I was naked in his bed. If I didn't put out I was just being a cruel tease.

Part of me agrees....in fact, most of the time I believe it was my fault. Then I remember the discussion I had with him about wanting to wait to have sex. I remember him forcing me down for the first time and pushing him off of me and being scared and wishing I had my own car to drive home. I remember saying no numerous times that night, but never once saying yes. I remember him whispering how tight I was in my ear and telling me how we fit perfectly together. Creep. I remember thinking that he'll realise that I don't want to do this and that it will stop. I remember telling myself to just wait until it was over. I had done this before....just go through the motions, I'll be okay.

But I'm not okay.

He probably doesn't even remember my name. I'm the slut he fucked on the the second date. the slut who said no, but wanted it really bad. I'm the slut who avoided his phone calls for the next month or was always "too busy" to fuck again.